On the Ledge

So, here I stand on the ledge thinking, “should I step off?”or sound the cowardly retreat. Again. I am a great dreamer. I am a great planner. I am not, however, a great executer. I just don’t take risks. Yes, I know that years ago my family and I sold everything we owned and moved believing God was leading us to another area. He provided and here I stand.



I know that after L. died, I took 15 months off from working to discover me. And God brought me face to face with the love of my life, my precious T. He provided and here I stand.


So, a month into this new phase of living by trust, I wonder. Will He provide as He says He will? I do not doubt that He can, I doubt whether He will. Even after all of the other times in my life that He has came through. I have never doubted Him and in His ability, I usually doubt that He will do it for me. And here is why.


I came into a relationship with Him through grace. An adult sinner, who had no desire to fully know Him. But I took Him at His word and believed. Therefore I am saved. Forever. When I die, I enter His presence. Forever. Not because of anything I have done, but simply because He promised eternal life and forgiveness of sin by believing. I believed.


I often feel that I “made it” because of a spiritual loophole and now He is bound to allow me full access into the holy. All because I believed. It certainly isn’t because of the holy life I live. No, far from it. I have a difficult time living the godly life I am supposed to.


But He promised, and I believed, so here I stand.

Joy

Time is on my side

So, this is officially one month since I quit my job. I had really expected to have more done than this. There isn’t as much time as it appears. With a two year old, you have to schedule your time and agenda around theirs. After he wakes up and has breakfast, there is a little playtime.

So you get some dishes done, try to get caught up on emails and see what is happening to the outside world. This is done by checking local and national news on the computer as Sesame Street is telling my all about the letter G and the number 12. That Elmo is so silly. Anyway, then we check Facebook and check up on all who are not feeling well or has a little comment or a like.




When it is his naptime, you realize you have a two-hour window of time to accomplish your eight-hour list. What to do? Do I edit some photography? Do I blog? Do I take some pictures? Do I do laundry? Do I work on the guest room? Do I shower? Do I take a nap? Do I get caught up in Rachel Ray or see what Regis is yelling about?



By that time, the little one is up and we settle in on having a great lunch of either a sandwich, chicken cookies and some sort of fruit. And before you know it, the clock says 3pm. And where did the time go?



It appears that routine still requires a certain amount of planning and determination in order to have a sense of accomplishment. I’ll try harder, tomorrow.

Page 36

I am on page 36 of the book that I am reading about the life of George Mueller. I have been on page 36 for a while. Page 36 is marked by a red card.



I. will come along (in his two year old willingness to help) and pull the red bookmark out and hand me the markless book and say “der you go”. I then have to scroll through the pages until I find where I have left off. After several repeats of this action, I have memorized the page I am on. 36. Perhaps, I should read more.

The dilemma

So here is my dilemma,  If I am going to trust God for my needs and if I am going to depend upon Him and Him alone to supply those needs, and if I will not ask man for those needs, how then, am I going to let you know about my journey of trust and dependence?

If I say beforehand, "here is my need", then perhaps someone will meet that need.  If I say nothing and just respond after the fact that God has met my need, how am I to be believed.  Some may say, "it is made up" or I have invented a need in order to have it met. 

So, I guess I will announce that I have a need but not share the specifics of that need and then share the results.

I am finding it difficult to trust.  It is quite easy to proclaim that I trust in Him and will depend upon Him.  It is hard to do the actual trusting.

The fears that I have in this endeavor are quite simple.  How are we going to make it?  What happens when the money runs out?  Our budget cannot be cut any more.  Did I do a smart thing?

And all of these things are the very  things that God said is His responsibility.  I am supposed to seek His Kingdom and righteousness.  He will provide the other.  Provide O Lord, provide.

Three weeks in

So, it has been just a little over three weeks since we radically changed our schedules. I quit my job to pursue four things. (Not be in off-price retail for a while; spend more time with T. and I.; try to start my own business; and to truly depend upon God for needs).

So far, we have not gotten into a good routine as T.’s work has been a little different with her second week of work she had a three day work retreat. This week, her Monday schedule was different and on Tuesday the university had an inservice day. I am hoping that once her routine gets settled, mine will as well.

I’ve learned that even though the hours are there, one doesn’t have as much time compared to the hours given. A person doesn’t get a lengthy stretch of time to accomplish things. Rather, you get snippets of time in between I.’s schedule of changing clothes, breakfast, playing, napping, changing clothes, Sesame Street.

I am behind my own schedule of the web site, the consistency of blogging, finishing the bedroom, and photos. The hot weather hasn’t helped either, but it looks like we are on a cooling trend.

There have also been a lot of events that we have attended in these past three weeks
1) A three-day trip to Hood River.
2) Helped my son load the moving truck for Kansas
3) Three park/picnic events
4) Painting the spare bedroom
5) Game night with friends
6) Three day work retreat in Sisters for T.
7) Birthday party
8) T.s work inservice
9) Juiced apples from our apple trees

Coming up this week
1) an after camp youth campfire at our house. (we will work on setting that up this week as well)
2) Saturday funeral for a good friend
3) A Sunday evening fellowship with our small group
4) Finish printing out a photo them for a friend’s office

So, I am adjusting the timeline ahead for two weeks. Hopefully that will be enough to get set up.

Out of town

Spent two days in Sister as T. had a work retreat there. Very peaceful place. You go outside and see mountains and just out our motel, there were deer running around. While T. was at her retreat I. and I just hung out, did a little shopping and ate Asian food. He was very good but didn't take any naps. He kind of wore me out.

Two weeks in

So, it has been two weeks since I quit my job to pursue the “four” purposes. 1) to take a break from off-price retail; 2) to spend more time with T. and I.; 3) to work on my own business; and 4) to trust God for our needs.

It has been strange as we try to adjust to our new schedules. For me, it is not getting up for work or coming home late when I would close. For T. it is getting up for her part-time job at the University. She works five hours a day four days a week. (Mon.-Thur.)

These past two weeks, for me, just seems like an extended vacation in the sense of not having work and thoughts of work. My paychecks and vacation time paid for this month. There will be no more money coming in from outside of savings until T. gets paid. Our incoming revenue has decreased by 75%. But there is some set-aside in savings and then we will just go from there.

We all get up at seven. T. gets ready for work and I. has some breakfast and his morning “soaps” (Super Why, Sesame Street, and Clifford). I get T. her breakfast and get T. out the door. Then, in between being with I. and stuff around the house, I am trying to finish the guest room and get pictures ready for the web page. And journal of course.

Began reading again a biography about George Mueller. After all, he is the one who gave a bit of inspiration about trusting God for needs and not asking man for help. If man provided, so be it, but he would not solicit from anyone but God.

moss

Music man

Trust part 2

Your mind can go in different directions at a time. Sometimes, that is a good thing. And sometimes, it can mess you up.

There is plenty to do around here. The trouble lies in the doing. I. wakes up about the same time T. leaves. He has his breakfast and his “Sesame Street”. We spend a little time playing and learning the letters. He knows all of them, but once in a while needs a little assistance. Then it is nap time for him.

So when he is down do I a) finish the guest room; b) work on the photographs; c) juice some apples; d) do other various and sundry things?

My time line for things. Hopefully my business venture will begin to show signs of progress by March of 2011. If not, I will need to start the process of other income possibilities. By September of 2011, there will need to be serious movement toward work and attempting to pay the bills.

I am hoping that we can, in our current situation, make it for 18 months. That will be very difficult and will require smart financial budget on our part.

It is hard to trust.

Trying to settle

We are all settling into our new lives. T. has a part-time job at the University working for the music department. She knows a lot of people there and it gives her opportunity to have conversations of full sentences. Life with a two year old is somewhat limiting in the brain stimulation process. One does pick up valuable nuggets of information though, like “nose”, “ball” and to occasional “bwerthfrctycl”. I will say that I. does have sentence structure; it just loses something in the translation.

For me, being home was to open up plenty of time to accomplish all that I wanted to do or to get done. First official day did not turn out that way. But today I am hopeful. I need to finish up the guest room. That will certainly give us a sense of completion.

There is still a sensation of floating through life now. I understand that I need to develop the routine that is most helpful. I like routine. I do not like ruts. I need to keep my planner by my side and take opportunity of events and places that will give me a chance to display and possibly sell my art. Unemployed yes, but still working. Just starting from scratch.

Death and stuff

Went to a memorial picnic yesterday for Z. He was a 16-year-old youth in our church that died three years ago. Brought back a lot of emotion both good and sad.

I have been “personally” touch by death four times. One was Z. He was part of our church youth group. Got to know him well. One was my dad who died 25 years ago. My mom who died June of this year. And L., my wife of twenty-four years, who died unexpectantly 6 years ago.

All of them, as expected, affected me in different ways. But they have brought me to the conclusion that one must spend as much time as one can with those you love.

After L. died, I never thought that I ever would or even could love again. I was surprised and honored that T. came into my life. Even when I was not looking for love, love did indeed find me. It has been a joy for these almost four years to be hers.

So when I. was born and the emergency surgery and just about losing both T. and I., there again is the driving motivation for spending as much time as I can with them.
That is certainly part of the reason I have quit my job. They say that you spend more time at work than with your family. I did not want that to be the case for me. At least for a while.